i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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