If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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