I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
My brain is officially off for summer until late august. If that guy wants to fuck me, he better do it soon.
I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)
Did you watch the carolina game tonight?
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Thus began an intricate shell game of nude cardigan photos
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
