Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Randomize
