I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
oh you can't commit, don't have any real ambitions, and love to drink PBR? well.... sign me up!
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
