I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
Seriously considering taking a nap at lunchtime in my car. That. Hung. Over.
Randomize
