I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I walked out ot my car in the morning thinking there was a sandwich I left there from yesterday. Then later that day I was checking the mail and saw the other side of my car :/
It concerns me the most that u were potentially going to eat a day old car sandwich.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Randomize
