Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
