if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
woke up hungover this morning lying in a water raft covered in water.. i dont know if i should consider this good or bad
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