Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
vagina is talking i cant
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Randomize
