Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
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