why didn't you poke me back
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
This better be legit desert and not your penis alamode
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
