apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
