can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm fucked-out. That state of being high between fucked up and passed out.
Randomize
