I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
Randomize
