i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I know we agreed to cock block each other from now on buttt I WANT this one. I have felt his penis, it is godly, and I am going to have it inside of me, so shut the fuck up and leave.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
