if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
