Just mADE A PArabola og urine
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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