I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
