Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I have weed and a speedo - I don't need anything else.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
Randomize
