I want to make Jon&Kate babies with him. Not in quantity, but in percentage asian.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
As shirtless as possible
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
