That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
