running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
it's like his dick is making a u-turn.
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Ladies don't puke and tell
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Randomize
