In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
Godammit I caught my hair on fire taking a bong rip
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
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