I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
