Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
it's my fake id's birthday. i'm wearing a hat, and i have a beard. i'm untouchable. TO THE BARS!
Randomize
