I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
Randomize
