no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
