you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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