So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
