no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
