I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
