Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
