remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
