Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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