I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
