I wanna bring you to show and tell
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Randomize
