u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
Randomize
