Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
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