Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Randomize
