I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Randomize
