Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
