I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
He slapped my ass and hummed the jello theme song, which was followed by an overly loud "IT'S ALIVE!"
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
Randomize
