I haven't been this sober since birth.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Randomize
