Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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