I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
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