when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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