Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
