You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
You dont lie about slip and slides
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
why is half of my head shaved?
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
