tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
